Shinji Ikari vs. The Instant Eva
by Shiao Lung
Summary: Misato has left Shinji to fend for himself in the kitchen. What happens to Shinji when he decides to eat that expired cereal? Please review


Shinji Ikari vs. The Instant Eva

Disclaimers**:** My apologies to Gainax and especially to Shinji. I _am_ making money from you Gainax! Haahahaha! You will never be able tract me down, _never never never_. Don't even try to do it. Just keep on making your animé and I'll keep silently ripping you off. Just wait _KareKano _**(A new series by Gainax, worth checking out)**, just wait your time will come soon (evil laugh followed by hacking cough). (**Enjoy! Hope there aren't too many spelling errors. I'm not really this sadistic in real life ^.^)**

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_The City of Tokyo 3._

It's a bright Thursday morning and Shinji Ikari is just waking up. As he lethargically crawls out of bed, he realizes that he hasn't heard Misato, his caretaker, cursing out the microwave for burning her instant Pop Tarts ® again. Instead, there is utter silence. How odd yet how eerily pleasant.

"Where is Misato? Did she actually go to work _early_ this morning?" Shinji wondered sarcastically as he searched for a clean shirt in his dresser **(Gotta put that in for the fan girl service ;). **

Shinji checked his watch, "Ohmigosh! It's 8:30! I'm going to be late for school!" But then Shinji cupped his face with his hand and stared at the floor in anxiety, "If I knew how to get thereMisato's the one who always takes me ah Misato!!! Why did you have to do this? Why did you leave me here?" But then he snapped back from his angst and felt his stomach rumble violently; _he had to find breakfast._

Shinji opened the refrigerator carefully, perhaps he was afraid that Misato's pet Pen-Pen would attack him, or maybe he was afraid of having Misato's piles of unopened beer spilling all over his nice, clean school uniform. He saw that the coast was clear however. Pen-Pen was sleeping in the lettuce crisper again (that made Shinji smile a little, that genetically mutated penguin could be so cute sometimes!) and he deftly caught Misato's can of Sapporo before it had a chance to crash land on to the floor. He got the milk out and set it on the counter, then he made his way into the pantry. He searched the contents of the shelf and shuddered when he saw the expiration dates. 

"Hmm Instant Ramen™, Instant Chinese noodles™, Instant Pancakes™, Instant Curry Chicken Salad™, Instant Corn Chowder™, Instant Eva™, Instant Cake and Brownie Mix™"

Shinji took a double take. "Instant Pancakes™?!"

He shook his head and took another double take. "_Instant Eva™?"_ He grabbed the box down and looked it over. On the cover was Evangelion Unit 02, smiling and waving at him with one long, clunky arm around a cereal bowl. Cute cartoon children were running around his legs and hugging his ankles. The cereal had little Evangelion marshmallow Heads™, Plugs™ and Plug Suits™. There were also little oat pieces shaped like "0" and "2". 

Shinji squinted in disbelief. "They're magically delicious ™?" He wiped his hands over the dusty cover. "Oh 17 Essential Vitamins and Minerals Needed for Knocking Over A City or Two." 

"I guess this will have to do, it's the only thing that looks edible. Why would Misato have this in her pantry?" He got a bowl, a glass and a spoon from the shelf and sat down. He poured the cereal in the bowl, or at least he tried to. Nothing came out at first, no matter how hard he shook the box. A few powdery crumbs came out, but not much more than that.

"This stuff is so old how long has she had this in there? Maybe there's a really big prize in here." More shaking, then bit by bit, more cereal fell into the bowl until the box was empty. It was just enough to fill it completely without spilling over.

"I don't see any marshmallows shaped like Eva Heads™." Though a little disappointed, Shinji poured the milk. There was an uncomfortable ten-second silence before the bowl began to wildly pop and sizzle like some bizarre milky breakfast substance consisting of Rice Krispies ©, Pop Rocks ® and Fireworks ™. It frightened Shinji and he wondered what he had done and how Misato might punish him when she came home, when all of a sudden, the popping noises stopped. 

Shinji leaned his head down closer to the bowl to listen when a large, purple robotic hand grabbed his face and pulled him closer to the milk. It was the Instant Eva coming for his head! Shinji screamed for his life, he struggled for his sanity, he prayed for a new pair of pants. He would not let the cold waves of the milk and crunchy cereal be the mirky end of him. He felt the tabletop for his neglected spoon and began to jab the mechanical vice to let him go. The pieces of the Eva hand only crumbled then instantly took shape again. There was nothing else Shinji could do except to do the unthinkable. He settled down a bit which surprised the Eva; it was still expecting a struggle from its young catch. Shinji gripped the rims of the cereal bowl and took control of the situation. He quickly pulled his face out and took a bite outta crime, or a bite of an Eva finger. The milk vibrated from the machine's screams but Shinji was not intimidated. He continued eating the cereal hand with a fury (it actually wasn't that bad, Shinji told his classmates later. It tasted kind of sweet, like chocolate ice cream dipped in battery acid) until his face and hair were free. Shinji quickly dumped the rest of the remains in the garbage disposal and felt secretly delighted to watch the cereal bits being hacked up into micro atoms. 

It was then that Shinji noticed a large glowing fruit basket beside the dish rack, a gift to Misato from Ritsuko for her birthday. Shinji stuffed as much fruit as he could into his bookbag and hurried off to catch the subway. There was no reason to panic, Shinji tried to encourage himself, he would be able to find his school. If not, there would be someone who could help him. It made him feel a little better.

That night, Misato was having a beer, watching Shinji, who was sitting on the couch, out of the corner of her eye. He would sneeze a few times, which he quickly covered up with a Kleenex ™.

"Shinji," she turned to him and asked sympathetically, "you're not coming down with something, are you?"

"No, I'm okay Misato, I think it's just dust." He sneezed a little, and he could smell a trace of milk in his tissue.

**Bluemean83@aol.com**


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